Maybe you are anticipating a romantic getaway that your mate thoughtfully planned out for you, replete with love notes, flowers, and chocolates.
Maybe you are relishing how adored and appreciated you feel. Perhaps you are finally experiencing the joyful simplicity of partnership.
Maybe you are sick of feeling alone and your friends enjoying partnership are yet another big fat reminder of this.
I hear that many of you are wondering why it may seem so hard to meet a good ‘conscious’ man or how to revive what went south between you and your hubby.
I have a lot of women coming to me for coaching with relationship help these days. They are either single and seeking partnership, or are unhappy in their relationship and perpetually on the fence of an affair or break up.
Relationships can be tough. I know. I’ve had many of them. It took time (and a good solid two decades of therapy, coaching, education, and development of emotionally mature relationship skills) for me to learn and understand how to be in one – harmoniously.
I remember all too well the secret pain of uncertainty and angst in relationship. I was always wondering if I was with the right man. I often was just so exhausted by how hard it seemed to understand one another.
This led me to cheat – a lot.
I also remember the inconsolable longing for love and connection when I was single.
I would walk around saying, ‘I’m emotionally available for intimacy! I’m ready! Where’s my guy?” or I’d declare, “I am done with attracting emotionally unavailable men!”
Yeah right.
Both of these were stories that I told myself to keep myself safe that actually prevented me from experiencing the love that I desired.
Both of these were ways of avoiding intimacy.
I thought I could state it as truth and poof, my knight in shining armor would appear.
It wasn’t working. If anything, I was feeling more agitated and impatient and… lonely.
I didn’t know at the time that it was a lie that I was telling myself to keep myself safe. I was the one who was not emotionally available — well, because I was scared. And I had a lot of reasons to be.
I did an experiment in which I started flipping the statements around and asked myself, “how am I NOT available for intimacy? What are the behaviors, actions, and choices I make that reinforce this?”
This simple question allowed me to open my eyes to all of the ways I was unavailable, because of self-protection, for the intimacy I so deeply craved.
If you are single, you may ask yourself this question and look for the ways that you may be:
- Being chameleon-like when dating (I was an expert at molding myself into what I thought HE would want me to be).
- Living in hope and fantasy instead of being in reality with what he actually says and does.
- If you are driving the connection and he is more passive. (Do you reach out more via texting or phone calls?)
- If he goes hot and cold and you think it’s your fault.
- You may overly demand or undermine your needs.
If you are in a relationship, you may ask yourself this question and look for the ways that you may be:
- Blaming him for your emotional upset
- Avoiding sex
- Making him wrong
- Assuming he ‘should know’ what you want or need
- Speaking poorly about him to your girlfriends, Mom, sister, grocery clerk, hair dresser, etc.
All of these are areas that indicate you have an opportunity to grow stronger self-esteem, healthier boundaries and develop your threshold to tolerate true intimacy.
I have found that an undefended heart is one that is earned and cultivated. We must teach ourselves how disarm protective defenses when things feel scary or vulnerable. (I myself used to be a screamer, then I’d withdraw and nurse my hurts.)
Like I said, I delved in deep for many years to learn the skills that it takes to create healthy mature relationships. My extraordinary partnership with Nicholas is living proof of it.
You might not have that time. Maybe you want to get it right now. Maybe you want babies and your clock is ticking. Maybe you are just sick of being alone. Maybe you are in a relationship but it feels like more work than pleasure – yet you don’t want to leave.
I’m with you on the urgency factor! Why don’t we reduce your stress, increase your confidence, and do it right now?
Great idea! And so it is.
Over the years I have developed a keen understanding of what it is that goes into creating lasting love and intimacy – all by looking at the foundational elements of intimacy. I take these tools I have and weave it around each of my clients.
That means our work together iis designed for YOU, based on what you are needing help with now. This is why I keep it small and intimate so we can focus on your most pressing concerns.
A taste of what you can learn is:
- Where you can develop healthier boundaries
- More effective communication skills
- A better understanding of YOUR needs, what they are, and how to address them
- Clarification on what exactly you are seeking in a relationship (either current or yet to come)
- Cleaning up your own back yard of blame, resentment, projections or hurt
Whether you’re preparing for your next relationship and don’t want to repeat the same mistakes from the last one, or you’re sitting on your side of the bed after ANOTHER argument with your mate, I’ve got you covered.
Although I’ve never met many of you, you contribute to making my life what it is, and there is no number of words that can convey my magnitude of gratitude for you.
To love and new beginnings!