1450293644934Thanks to Katherine Woodward Thomas, we all became familiar with the term ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin chose to divorce.
I have always been rather messy inside when it comes to break ups. Churny feelings, fragmented thoughts, and a veritable feast of sensations.
Over the years, I’ve marveled at the variety of hurdles I can unconsciously require others to surmount, as my own unique form of defensiveness and protection. This is all in order to actually allow someone in, and to vulnerably trust with my tender, sensitive heart.
And once someone is in, they are IN. Deep.
I attach, I devote, I love, I want, I need, I expect, I demand — I know, all of the things we aren’t ‘supposed’ to do, yet it’s what we do as humans.
It’s what I continue to learn. How to undo the parts that cause me pain and open more to the areas that allow me to access big love. Free love. Accepting love.
Sometimes, and this is a sometimes moment now, this feels really hard.
What life has been serving me up with recently is the invitation to let go of a friendship with a beloved that I have held as my closest girlfriend for many years.
A sister-like love — unlike anything I had known before. The sweetness of joy that flowed between us was a beam of sunshine upon my heart that I cherished with great affection.
And with life being what it is, things change. Times change. Needs change.
What lies in front of me now is a request from life to cooperate with a ‘conscious uncoupling’ from a friendship.
With some kicking and screaming internally, as I am in the less favorable position of being the one who doesn’t actually want to let it go, I get to feel all sorts of uncomfortable.
I suspect we have each had our own version of this before — a boyfriend wants to see other people, a best friend wants to revert to a casual acquaintance, a husband cheats, a wife dies, a pet runs away, a parent disappears.
We all know what NOT to do at these times.
We know not to blame, we know it’s no longer good to hold on, we know not to hope and we certainly know that making ourselves wrong is not the answer.
So what do we do? What do I do?
I can only tell you what has worked for me in the past and what I am experimenting with now as I wade through some waves of grief, hurt, anger, and most of all, sadness.
1. I know that life is loving me through this experience. Although human trust is difficult and even precarious sometimes, I trust in God infinitely.
2. I know that this is FOR me. Because I trust God, I know this moment is inviting me to grow more loving. Even if I can’t feel it yet.
3. I know that by offering myself compassion for how it does hurt to attach and then let go, I grow stronger. I assure myself that it is okay to feel sad and I am okay regardless. I offer compassion to the one person involved as we each have our secret hurts and unmeasured desires for connection.
4. I get present. I do whatever I can to let yesterday be done, to let tomorrow be unwritten and to simply be here now. Even in this now, with a sense of weightiness in my chest. I just feel it. I be with it. Hand on my heart, feet on the ground.
5. I open my hand. When I was praying on this at one point, I was trying to mentally figure out what to do. Then I saw myself opening my hand. Letting it go and giving it over to life to show me how to best flow with it. This is what I call surrender.
I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences on ‘Conscious Uncoupling’.
Feel free to share this if you feel inspired.